(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Okay, Tommy. You've got this.
—What color is the apple? —Green.
Green. Whoo—-hoo.
Okay. And point to the square.
Um, green.
(GASPS) You're on fire. Whoo-hoo!
Degj, it's not even 9:00, and that's your second "whoo-hoo."
Yeah. I'm cutting you off.
Today is a huge day.
Tommy's being interviewed for The Center for Discovery,
only the most prestigious preschool in the Bay Area.
I know. I already have my embryos on the wait list.
Unfortunately, there are six embryos ahead of me.
Ha—ha!
I'm serious.
This school is the first step to the Ivy Leagues.
I mean, then maybe someday
he'll become a doctor, or a judge, or...
Oh! Look what he's done there. He could be an architect.
—Whoo... —Don't.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Watch the crumbs.
Okay, this school takes a very close look at the child's family,
so I need everything to be perfect.
So, could you stay in the basement?
Morning, plebeians.
That's what the Romans called the lower class.
I'm giving my oral report today on the Ancient Roman Empire.
(SNEEZING)
Bless you, Julius Sneezer.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, come on. That was funny.
You know where it would be funnier?
In the basement.
(COUGHS)
Max, you don't sound very good.
I'm gonna take your temperature.
No, you don't need to do that. I feel peachy.
(BEEPS)
A peachy 100.2.
You're taking a Roman holiday back to bed.
No. No, I can't miss school. I love school.
Said no kid ever.
To bed.
Steph, would you mind taking care of Max, please?
Oh, I'm sorry. Someone has banished me to the basement.
I was kidding.
All right. Come on, Max. Let's go.
You're right.
I should go to my room and get some rest.
We got a runner.
MAX: I'm not a sack of potatoes. (COUGHS)
I can't wait until I'm heavier.
KIMMY: Oh, you look so cute.
This is so embarrassing.
Why does our school make us dress up like pioneers?
Because it's Pioneer Day, duh.
And your teacher says
you're not allowed to use any modern technology
the entire school day.
So, hand them all over.
(SIGHS)
What are we supposed to do in class without our phones?
Pay attention?
And how are people supposed to know how fabulous my life is
if I don't constantly remind them with pictures and videos?
Is this all of it?
Sure is.
Let me see that bonnet.
Mmm—hmm.
That's weird. How did that get there?
You, too, Davy Crockett.
I don't think pioneer kids were eating Doritos.
How do you know? You weren't there.
Or maybe you were.
Come on. You kids can go six hours without your precious social media.
(CAT MEOWS ON PHONE)
OMG. Look at this cat flushing a toilet.
(KIMMY AND D.J. LAUGHING)
—Oh... —Uh—uh—-uh.
There were no toilet—flushing kitties on the frontier.
One day without your phone isn't gonna Kill you.
Oh, really?
Well, I'd like to see you unplug for the day.
Hmm. You know what?
My work schedule's clear, so challenge accepted.
D.J., don't let her cheat.
Oh, don't worry. Everything's getting locked in this drawer.
Hand over your cell.
And your work cell.
Your iPad.
Your iPad Mini.
Your pager.
And your Life Alert.
Fine. But if I fall and can't get up, you'll all be hearing from my attorney.
D.J.: Oh, you look so cute.
How could they say no to this face?
(BABBLING)
Not only are you adorable, but you are also very smart.
Yeah, maybe I'm pushing it a bit.
I'm a big boy now.
Oh! Okay.
Tommy, it's showtime.
Smile.
You are number one.
Hello, friend.
My name is Miss Emily from The Center for Discovery.
Hello, friend. My name is Miss D.J.,
from the center of my living room.
(LAUGHING)
That's cute.
Have a gold star.
Aw...
And what is your name, friend?
Oh, this is Tommy. Tommy, say hi.
Hi.
Nailed it.
Would you like a homemade lemon square?
Oh, no, thank you. And please relax.
Just treat me like a friend.
A friend who comes into your home and judges you and your child.
Well, sounds like all my friends at Mommy & Me.
Cute, again. Another gold star.
Oh.
So, let's get started.
Tommy, can you point to your head?
How about your nose?
Oh! Shoo, fly. Shoo.
Oh, look. He's pointing to his nose.
No, wait. He's picking it.
Okay, Max. I have your juice.
Max?
Ah—ah—ah—-ah.
Freeze it. Not on my watch.
(SIGHS)
I'm fine.
(SNEEZES)
I need to go give my report. Without me there,
Taylor's gonna steal the show with his King Tut garbage.
He's gonna pop out of a real sarcophagus.
And walk like an Egyptian.
(CHUCKLES)
Come on, you. Back to bed.
I mean, look.
You have a legitimate excuse to laze around in bed all day,
without anyone asking why you're not being productive.
I am so jealous.
Okay. Let's just get this out in the open.
You've got a rep around here for being the "cool aunt.”
But if I'm being honest,
I don't see it.
Are you kidding me? I'm so cool
that my license plate would read "Cool Aunt One."
If I owned a car.
But I'm too cool for that.
And too poor.
If you're so cool, then help me break out of this joint.
You know I can't do that, Max.
Hmm.
Maybe you'll change your mind for
a crisp
$20 bill?
No. No, I am not accepting a bribe.
But, boy, is that crisp. (CHUCKLES)
Go ahead. Hold it.
No. No.
Put that money away. Quickly.
Would you at least read me a story?
Sure. Feel like a little Captain Underpants?
Please.
I read those before I could read.
There's a US News and Finance Report I left in the bathroom downstairs.
Okay.
Well, I will be right back.
And do us both a favor.
Hide that roll of 20s somewhere different.
It's just too easy.
Thanks, Jackson.
We missed our school bus because you didn't know what time it was.
Uh, I didn't have my phone.
And you were the one who got us on the city bus
going the wrong way.
I didn't have my Google Maps.
—We'd better call our moms. —With what?
With what the pioneers used.
That.
Whoa.
I saw one of these in a movie.
You put money in it like a vending machine,
but instead of a Snickers,
a phone call comes out.
I have 50 cents.
I guess it's cordless.
I can't remember my mom's number.
(SCOFFS) You idiot.
Okay, what's your mom's number?
Uh...
I know there's a four and a couple of twos,
but I don't know what order they're in.
(SIGHS)
Let's just take the next bus back, and we'll start over.
I don't have any money.
All mine is in my phone case.
We are never gonna make it home.
We're just gonna have to live off the land like
pioneers.
There's gotta be a way for us to get some money.
Let's just have a snack and figure this out.
Oh, man. My mom took my Doritos.
(STAMMERING) Uh, sir...
You left a quarter in my hat.
That was on purpose, because you look pathetic.
Wow.
I wasn't even trying.
Tommy's doing great. And so am I.
Miss Emily gave me two stars for being cute
and one star for being quiet.
Who cares?
What are you doing?
I'm playing Candy Crush.
Oh, I see. You don't miss your phone at all.
Ding!
What's this?
It's a prehistoric text.
"Give me my phone back, or else.”
Delete.
Hey, I have to get back to Tommy, and you need to—
What are you doing?
KIMMY: I'm blocking you.
And now I'm unfollowing you.
(SINGING) Froggy went a—courtin' And he did ride
Froggy went a—courtin' And he did ride
With a sword and a pistol by his side
Thank you, kind sir.
Have a blessed day.
I can't believe how easy this is.
Yeah. Who needs school?
I think I found my new career...
Beggar.
From the top.
(SINGING) Froggy went a—courtin'...
Hey... Hey...
I've got complaints about some Amish kids panhandling.
Is that illegal?
No. They're complaining because you're terrible.
Come on with me. Come on. Let's get that up.
(SINGING) Froggy went a—courtin' And he...
Okay. Stop that awful singing, or I will take you to jail.
We're back.
In matching track suits.
I must say, this is the first admissions interview
that's ever included a costume change.
Okay, Tommy. Let's show Miss Emily your somersault.
Ready?
Ta-da!
—Ta—-da! —Ta—-da!
Tommy is a very talented boy,
with a very talented mother.
EMILY: Well, that may be,
but it appears there's
another talented son dangling outside the window.
In a toga.
Oh, Mylanta.
Holy chalupas.
—(THUDS) —(MAX GRUNTS)
I'll be right back.
I have to go talk to my precious middle son.
Max, darling.
Hey.
What the heck are you doing?
I'm escaping.
I wanna go do my report.
(SNEEZES)
You march your toga—wearing tush right back in the house.
Hello, Miss Emily.
Max, say hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm not my usual sunshine-y self.
But someone won't let me go to school.
He's not feeling well.
So, go ahead and get yourself a juice.
And I'll be right there to tuck you in to bed.
Like the loving, devoted mother I obviously am.
I don't have problems with my children's behavior.
Excuse me, ma'am. Are these yours?
I caught them ditching school.
Ramona was dancing on the street, and some strangers gave her money.
Now I know how I'll pay for college.
—This can't be happening. —Well, it's your fault, Mom.
You sent us out in the cold, cruel world
with no money and no phones.
Wow. Really, lady?
A house like this and you can't get your kids a phone?
Oh, that's right, you're Amish.
But you have electricity.
Huh. I guess you're just Am...
Ish.
Right.
Would you mind dropping these kids off at Bayview High?
My horse and buggy are in the shop.
Oh, sure. I'm just here to protect and Uber.
Ooh! Can we stop for donuts on the way?
Or is that just a stereotype?
That is a stereotype.
And yes, we can stop, because I love donuts.
(WHISPERS) Yes.
Let's play pretend...
And pretend none of this ever happened.
I'll be right back, if you can just watch Tommy.
Tommy?
—Tommy? —Where's Tommy?
Looking for this?
I'll be needing one of those stars back.
Oh, Tommy.
Remember Mommy said no jogging without her.
"So, holding stocks
"in different European regions can mitigate risk."
Hmm.
I love financial articles with a happy ending.
Aunt Stephanie?
Quiet, Max. I'm reading you to sleep.
(TAPS BRIEFCASE)
(STEPH GASPS)
Cosmo. You helped Max escape?
And I would have made it, too,
if I'd've just had king-size sheets.
You.
Back in bed.
See how well he minds me?
By the way, we should really invest in some small-cap Dutch stocks.
Here's an idea.
Instead of reading to our dog,
try to keep Max from climbing out of second—story windows.
Right.
Uncool, Max.
I'm sorry, but this report means everything to me.
Well,
what if there was a way for you to do your report
without you ever leaving your room?
Really? You better not be yanking my chain.
I'm not.
But I do have one question for you.
How did you get Cosmo to put on your pajamas?
Those are his.
Sorry. A mother's work is never done.
Not that it's work. I love it. It's the joy of my life.
Tommy and I got to spend some time together,
and this is not a criticism, I see this often.
Tommy is a bit behind in his language skills.
He has difficulty
linking words together and forming complete sentences.
Uh...
No. (STAMMERS) I...
You...
You might be thinking of me.
I don't think Tommy's ready to join us at Discovery yet.
But if you get him working with a speech therapist,
I think he could catch up quickly and be ready to join us in the spring.
The spring? No.
Tommy is ready right now.
Are we having some big feelings?
Yes, we are.
And my big feeling is that you are totally wrong about Tommy.
And do you ever stop smiling?
Oh, no. I don't let my big feelings out.
Until I go home and I scream into my pillow.
But I'm not home yet.
But you're on your way.
Tommy will be taking his talents to Sunshine Preschool,
where everyone's welcome for half the price.
I understand,
but may I please have your recipe for those homemade lemon squares?
Not right now, but maybe I'll be ready in the spring.
I see what you did there.
Okay, well, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Did you hear that? A complete sentence.
"Bye" followed by another "bye."
So, bye-bye.
And finally, friends, Romans...
Fourth—graders...
It was on the Ides of March
that Julius Augustus Caesar was stabbed in the back
by the people he trusted most.
—(EXCLAIMS) —(GROANS)
Ef tu, Brute?
(GROANS)
And that rocking report was with a 100—degree fever.
I'd say a pretty heroic performance.
Any final words, Max?
(SNORING)
Yeah, well, he's asleep. (CHUCKLES)
So, I guess that's it.
I don't really have much to add on Ancient Rome.
Although...
I did spend one epic night with an older Italian man, so...
That's my Ancient Roman history,
but perhaps that is not appropriate to share with a fourth-grade class.
Oh, thank goodness. You turned it off.
Phew.
What are you doing?
I'm breaking into the drawer to get my phone back.
Kimmy, do not destroy my desk.
I knew this would happen,
so I moved your phone hours ago.
Deej,
I'm begging you.
I need that phone, man. I need it bad.
Just let me have one poke, one tweet, one swipe.
I'll do anything.
Anything, I say.
Okay.
Wow. You'd make a terrible sponsor.
Sweet cheese, you're back.
(KISSING)
What have I missed?
(PHONE CHIMING REPEATEDLY)
Whoa, I'm blowing up.
Hey, I've been preselected for a Carnival Cruise.
And... Phew. My unlucky Nigerian prince got the money I wired him.
Steph, I just noticed you haven't accepted my friend request.
It's been a busy two years.
Well, Max is asleep,
and second-story escape aside,
I'd say I did a pretty good job.
How did you and Tommy do?
(SIGHS) Not good.
Miss Emily had the nerve to tell me
that Tommy's behind on his language skills
and needs a speech therapist.
Isn't that ridiculous?
I said, isn't that ridiculous?
Well, I hate to say it, but Tommy does seem a little behind
where Jackson and Max were at his age.
No, he's not.
Is he?
(EXHALES)
He is.
Oh...
And it's all my fault.
Why would you say that?
Because everything that's happened, the past two years,
I've just been so busy, and I...
I didn't give Tommy enough attention.
Deej, that is not true,
and this is not your fault.
Lots of kids need speech therapy.
I mean, do you remember my lisp?
At the time, it theemed like a thignificant ithue.
Maybe I overreacted.
I did deny the friendliest woman in the world
my lemon square recipe.
You bought those at Trader Joe's.
That's why I didn't give her the recipe.
Hey, Tommy, can we talk?
Well, I can talk. No pressure on your end.
You did a great job today, so you get a gold star.
But I found out that you might need a little extra help,
and I'm gonna get it for you.
Sometimes parents are the last ones to see when their kids have problems.
But after I call that nice Miss Emily
and send her over a case of Trader Joe lemon squares,
which I will put in a Tupperware and pass off as homemade.
And you're gonna start school at Discovery in the spring.
—Okay. —What do you think?
You got it, dude.
Where have I heard that before?
I love you so much.
—What is that? —What?
What is that?
Yeah, you want another star?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
English — SDH